Don't get me wrong, sometimes they get it right. Unfortunately. But usually they just write stuff like:
"Youse guys talk weird!" Are you kidding? Do you know what slang is? What about dialect? Did you know some people pronounce it Worsh-ing-ton? HOW FUCKING WEIRD IS THAT. Some languages possess dialects so varied that a speaker of one might not be able to understand the speaker of another. Within the same country. Yet "wooder" seems to be turning your brain to mush.
"Philadelphians have attitudes." Ya wanna know who's got an attitude? Entitled pricks in fancy cars who think they can say what they want. Kids whose parents don't discipline them. Pretty much everyone this side of the Mississippi and north of the Mason-Dixon line has an attitude. Yankees are rude motherfuckers. Philadelphians, for some reason, are just really proud of it.
"They're obsessed with Rocky and cheesesteaks." Nope. You're mistaking us for tourists and food establishments throughout the country trying to cash in on the Philly brand.
"Sports fans blah blah blah." There are out-of-control sports fans all over the WORLD (well, maybe not in Florida). We're pussies compared to soccer fans in Brazil. But again, for some reason we are just more proud than anyone else that we are steadfast supporters of a bunch of random out-of-towners who won the genetic lottery and have an affinity for diamond stud earrings.
"Brotherly Love. Ha! So ironic!" We can thank Billy Penn for that one. I bet most non-Philadelphians (and probably some locals) don't even realize that's actually the literal translation of the name of the city. It's not our fault our founder was a dreamer, so please find a new joke.
I guess I'm not as perturbed by these perceived stereotypes as I am Philadelphians themselves buying into it all. We're the fucking birthplace of America, and people would rather we be known to the world as Home of the Tastykake. So I've decided to make my own list of Philly fun facts that I believe to be a truer account of the Philadelphia spirit.
- Philadelphians are really great at block parties. We may not be known for our class, but if you haven't picked up on it by now, let me tell you that doesn't seem to bother most people. Some Miller Lite, a few hot dogs, maybe an unplugged fire hydrant, and the local DJ is all a group of neighbors really needs to let loose. I think it's completely reasonable to assume there's one person on every block with a collection of POLICE sawhorses in his garage for just the occasion.
- Philadelphians really like union halls. And what's not to like? They're roomy, the bartenders are usually pretty heavy-handed, and should a fist fight break out at your cousin's wedding reception, you know the FOP is just around the corner.
- The Philadelphia Parking Authority is a piece of shit. This is one thing the media got right. They're a bunch of corrupt, incompetent, heartless bastards. I've literally never met a friendly meter maid. They all stank of that renown Philly attitude.
- A lot of people think Philadelphia Cream Cheese is made in Philly. WRONG. Google it. Just another instance of enterprising folks cashing in on our reputation.
- The Gallery sounds way fancier than it is. It's hard to say whether or not it's as bad as Walmart, but I guess at least not all Walmarts smell like urine. But mostly, the Gallery is just a gypsy bazaar masquerading as a modern mall in the bowels of Market East. Stay away.
- Philly girls don't mess around when it comes to their hair. In a city that's always bustling, who has time to fuss with unruly hair? A simple solution we've found - to some known as the Kensington Facelift - is to use a technique very similar to papier-mâché to adhere every last strand to your scalp for an all-day hold.
- There's a cop in every family. Have you ever played 6 Degrees of Kevin Bacon? In Philly, we play 2 Degrees of the PPD.
- Despite what you might glean from most tourist pamphlets touting cheesesteaks as the local delicacy, Philadelphia is home to quite a lot of fine cuisine. We're a diverse major American city, of course we have awesome food here. But the city's best kept secret isn't something you'll find on Yelp. I'm talking about death-defying soft pretzel vendors that stand in the middle of Roosevelt Boulevard and sell them for next to nothing. I don't know if it's the extra little something from the grime on his hands, or the rush of excitement trying to complete the transaction before the light turns green, but you won't find these babies anywhere else in the world.
- Philadelphians never get over high school. I'll be the first to admit my four years at NAHS hold a special place in the forefront of my memory not likely to fade any time soon. In a major metropolis such as this one, resources and opportunities are so plentiful that unless you're trying to be the next break-out country star, you don't need to go far to find what you're looking for (just ask Taylor Swift). In such an intimately sized city, that means running into the same people over and over again. And it also means judging people by their alma mater way into your 20s.
- Most people here can't actually spell Schuylkill, don't let them fool you.